Load o’ Ballog

Dear God…

After observing several religions over the course of time I have concluded that you, the alleged all powerful and ever-living creator of the universe, care mostly about:

• What gender one is
• What type of hat one wears
• How one trims one’s beard (or not)
• How long one’s hair is
• One’s tailor
• What one eats
• What one does not eat
• How one kills what one eats
• What day of the week it is
• What arbitrarily-boundaried country one was born in
• How many buildings one erects
• What style of building one erects
• How fancy the paintings are in the buildings one erects
• How much skin one has on one’s penis
• Whether one’s mother was the same religion as one

However, to judge by the actions of your followers, you care less about:

• Whether or not one kills other people
• Whether or not one causes other people to starve
• Whether or not one subjects other people to the tyranny of one’s views
• Whether or not one molests children
• Whether or not one abuses the planet which has been around for billions of years, yet on which one exists for less than one hundred years

Dear God…

You must really love irony!

I somehow get the feeling that the underlying energy in the universe is irony. Did You know that in 2008 (in a clear reference to the Book of Leviticus 18:22) the Northern Ireland Minister for Bringing Down the Peace Process Because She Was Horny claimed that homosexuality was an abomination? Of course You did. You’re omniscient.

But isn’t Leviticus the same book that forbids adultery? Oh, wait! It’s only wrong for a man to lie carnally with his neighbour’s wife. There doesn’t seem to be anything stopping the wife from lying with whomever she fancies. In any case, I’m not sure they actually were neighbours.

What would constitute a neighbour in this case? Same street? Same post code?

Hang on! I’ve just spotted that You addressed Leviticus only to the children of Israel!

So Iris is in the clear!

And so are all non-Jewish gay men (by the way, You forgot to mention comfortable shoes in Leviticus).

Dear God…

If all you need is faith, why does the Pope have bodyguards?

Answers via burning bush or writing on the wall, please.

Dear God…

I have been informed that you created the entire universe. Well done.

But when exactly was it that you started worrying about foreskins?

Answers via burning bush or etched into a piece of toast, please.

Dear God…

I was in one of your churches today attending a first communion.

There were several seats empty near me and an old man, who clearly was having trouble both walking and standing, passed from bench to bench, asking to be allowed to sit. In each case, he was told that the seats were being held for family (family who had chosen to be late, incidentally). Seeing as none of your flock was willing to give him an empty seat, I am sure it will not surprise you that none of them was willing to offer him their own seat.

So how come the agnostic offered to give up his seat when none of the Christians would?

Oh, wait. You work in mysterious ways, according to your followers (when their words and actions make no sense).

Dear God…

I read in the news today that oil workers who survived a helicopter crash in the North Sea are thanking You for the miracle of saving them.

Assuming they are right and You got involved, wouldn’t it have been easier for You not to let the helicopter crash in the first place?

And would that be the same You who let fifty people die in a plane crash in New York last week?

Answers via burning bush or vague metaphors in an ancient book, please.

Dear God…

How come people have to believe in You?

Why don’t You simply make Yourself available to our senses?

Answers via burning bush or a voice in my head, please.

Dear God…

Considering most people in the world believe in you in some way or other, surely that means most murders are committed by your followers.

How does that square up?

Answers on a postcard from the Vatican or via burning bush, please.

Dear God…

People tell me You are infinite, that You are all things.

Is that true?

I mean, are You really all things?

If so, does that mean You are Satan as well as being You?

That’s assuming there is a Satan.

Just asking.

Dear God…

I’m confused.

In Genesis 2:17 You tell Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit “of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil”.

That’s grand.

Not to interpret that, but to take it literally, that means You didn’t want A & E to know the difference between good and evil.

Which means they didn’t already know the difference between good and evil.

Which means they didn’t know that disobeying You was evil. After all, You made them that naïve.

So if they didn’t know disobeying You was evil, why did You get so pissed off at them when they did eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

(The priest who taught me logic at university must hate me now)