Load o’ Ballog

Tory quits post over grammars row

Tory quits post over grammars row

How embarrassingly ironic! Surely that should be “grammar”.

Musing #14

Sometimes in life you need a window, sometimes you need a mirror, and sometimes you need a window that acts as a mirror… erm… and ting.

Golf: They’ve got it all wrong!

I don’t understand golf.

You have a bag full of different types of clubs. What are clubs for? Clubbing people. Yet there’s nothing in the rules that says you are supposed to club your opponents.

With a few minor changes to the rules, we could turn golf into an interesting and exciting activity.

It has to become a team sport. Eighteen holes… eighteen teams. Each team member is armed with a club because that’s what they are for. The objective of the game is to capture as many enemy greens as possible. When your team captures an enemy green, that team becomes part of your team.

Out of respect for the game’s origins, balls would still be used, but as artillery. A team could thus group together several members to rain a barrage of balls down on an enemy green. However, doing so would involve the risk of concentrating one’s troops, thereby leaving other areas less well defended.

The winning team would be the one that captures ten greens or more, or whichever team survives.

Now that’s golf that would be worth having on TV.

Whisky giant sold to billionaire

Whisky giant sold to billionaire

Fee, fi, fo, fum! OK, sho you own me now… but where’sh my hot toddy, y’rich bashtard?

Ballack and Kahn win sex toy suit

Ballack and Kahn win sex toy suit

What? A whole suit that acts as a sex toy? Can you buy one of those in Marks and Spencers menswear department? Is it a two-piece or a three-piece suit? What competition do I have to enter to win one?

Musing #13

I wonder whether hypnotists have a cure for narcolepsy.

So handy having a camera in your phone.

In the old days, before we even carried phones around with us, never mind camera-phones, what did we do when we saw life’s little humourosities display themselves? I don’t ever remember grabbing a crayon and a piece of paper to sketch out an image of some fat bloke walking down the street with a squashed chihuahua stuck to the seat of his trousers.

Well, mainly that’s because I never saw such a thing, but if I had, I would have felt no impulse to record the moment. Nowadays, we do feel the impulse because we have the means (sort of like when everyone felt the urge to “shake and vac” when Shake ‘n’ Vac came out, but had never thought their carpets smelt bad before).

Anyway, I’m getting to my point. Here are some examples of life’s occasional tiramisu (that means “pick me up” in Italian… in the “revitalise me” sense, not the sleazy sense):

I was in Waterstone’s book shop today and as I turned to leave, my eye fell on a rack of novelty items. I was struck by the incongruity of an item which seemed to be titled: “THE RAPIST IN A BOX”. Fortunately, I was wrong.

Over the last few years, people have become concerned about the number of additives in their food and food producers have responded to this by removing many, if not all, the additives from several food products. But what do they do with all the leftover additives once your delicious ready-meal has been produced? Ever eager to turn waste into profit, they have produced a unique line of products that will no doubt find their niche. Down one aisle, you will find food products which are free of additives. But down another, you will find products which are…

A couple of months ago I was doing some maintenance work in my kitchen and had to go to B&Q, one of my local DIY superstores. Such helpful people they are. Not only do they sell toilets (and, no, I wasn’t installing a toilet in my kitchen), they also make sure you understand what they are for…

I shall be keeping my eyes peeled.

Musing #12

Is “very mediocre” better or worse than “mediocre”?