Load o’ Ballog

Departure Lounge Cattle

October 7, 2006 on 8:29 am | In Rants | 4 Comments

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

I quite like individual people. Some of them anyway. Get them into a group, however, and they just turn into cattle. There’s probably a quiet smile on your face right now and you’re thinking: “I know what you’re talking about.”

Well, you can wipe that smile off your face because you are probably cattle too!

Nowhere is this more evident than on public transport, particularly aeroplanes. You know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m in the departure lounge. I know I have a seat on the plane because I’ve checked in. I’ve been given a seat number. Everyone has been given a seat number, yet as soon as an airline employee approaches the microphone there’s a mad rush of cattle as if there’s only one seat left on the last plane out of Beirut and the Israelis are popping round for tea and biscuits.

If I worked for an airline, I’d love to make the cattle stampede now and again…

I approach the microphone. The cattle get restless. I walk away from the microphone. The cattle start to drift away. Suddenly I turn back and there’s a surge of passenger beef. I walk away again. There’s a discontented lowing. I duck down below the desk so the cattle can’t see me. I reach up and click the “on” button on the mic. There’s a short squeal of feedback but I say nothing. The cattle practically knock the desk over. I switch the mic off again. I switch it on again. The cattle are suspicious this time… they can’t see anyone standing at the desk. I stand up suddenly. Bovine eyes widen. I clear my throat: “This is a staff announcement…” Disgruntled lowing… “Has anyone seen my sandwiches?”

I give it five minutes. Just long enough for the herd to settle down a little. I switch on the mic again. “This is a passenger announcement…” Excited lowing now. The cattle defecate in anticipation leaving passenger pats all over the lounge. “We are now ready for boarding, for your comfort and safety…” that’s what airlines always say when they just want you to shut the fuck up and do what you’re told… “We will first be boarding passengers over 100 or who only have one leg.”

The lowing is almost rebellious in tone at this point. I give it five minutes to see if any one-legged centenarians come forward. One bastard does. I check his passport for his date of birth. The hooer is 109. He’s five feet four inches, so I tell him he’s too tall and he’ll have to wait until everyone else has boarded.

I give it another five minutes.

I switch on the mic. “Rhine Air is pleased to announce that this flight will now be boarding from gate A15 on the other side of the terminal.”

STAMPEEEEEEEEDE!